I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize