Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
pray to the hookup gods
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
