I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
