I need to stop coming to work sober
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
