he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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