Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Houston, we have a squirter
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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