one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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