I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
