i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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