and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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