i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
