I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I smell like Dick and happiness
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
