Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I touched a dick in church today
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
