I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
