some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
