Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
