well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
