i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
