im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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