shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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