Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
