Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
