ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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