Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
