i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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