TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
