im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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