My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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