the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
