I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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