so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
two words: eviction party
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Please don't give away my fajitas
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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