oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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