Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize