Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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