Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize