So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
