i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
