If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
