There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You made out with two different species that night
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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