Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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