oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My feet surprised me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
