just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
