If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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