She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
