I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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