today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
