so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm passing your future prison.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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