Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize