Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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