This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
