No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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