I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize