Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
