Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm always down for nudity.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
