I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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